2:1 ODDS ON DOOFUS

You’ve probably caught onto the fact that Doofus has a tendency to forget things and as it has been demonstrated… people. There’s been many a time that Pat and I will be sitting in the car waiting for Doofus to join us and we watch in annoyance as Doofus comes strolling out the door, fumble through a few boxes in the garage, open up a car’s door or trunk or even start the task of putting toys and tools back where they belong. Now I’m all for tidiness, but doing it while we’re waiting to continue on our way to work is not the appropriate time to practice organizational skills. As can be expected, most of the fumbling has less to do with tidiness and more to do with Doofus having misplaced something.

One morning we thought we had made it out of the driveway without incident when as soon as we started down the road we had to turn around to go back and get Doofus’ eyeglasses. I can understand this happening when someone doesn’t need to wear eyeglasses all of the time. (Maybe just for reading or just for driving.) But unfortunately Doofus does wear them all the time and in this situation where Doofus wasn’t wearing eyeglasses, Doofus was the one driving.

But Pat and I have gotten so use to this routine that we now take bets and play the game “what will Doofus forget today”. We bet on whether the Franklin planner will be forgotten. I won 50-cents on this one. We bet on how many car doors, car trunks and boxes will be opened before getting into the car. We bet on whether another trip back into the house will be needed.

Recently Doofus came out of the house with a cup of coffee, got in the car, started to get settled and then of course remembered that something was left in the house. Doofus left the planner on the car seat but took the cup of coffee back into the house. We proceeded to place new bets on whether Doofus would forget and leave the cup of coffee in the house requiring a second return trip. Remarkably Doofus remembered the coffee… and I owe Pat a quarter.

DOOFUS DOES A "DUH"

Mondays are hard. It’s hard to get up early after two days of sleeping later than usual. It’s hard to get back in the groove of work. “Where did I leave off when I left work on Friday?” “What was I supposed to do today?” Try processing all of this when you’re a doofus.

One Monday morning I pulled into Doofus’ driveway and parked the car to wait for Pat and Doofus. It was my day to drive and within minutes Doofus and Pat were buckled in and we were heading down the road towards work. It was an uneventful morning. Doofus was on time and the conversation wasn’t particularly memorable. We got to work and less than ten minutes after sitting down in my office Doofus peeks in my cubicle and says, “Uh… hey. I forgot I had a training seminar today in Metropolis.”

I looked at Doofus dumbfounded not knowing what to say. I certainly wasn’t letting Doofus take my car 40 miles away to Metropolis for a seminar… even if it was only for the day.

Doofus sees the perplexed look on my face and says, “Lewey [the unfortunate person married to Doofus] is going to come and pick me up. I’ll take Lewey home and then go to the seminar.”

“What’s the training seminar for?” I ask.

“Managing Multiple Projects”, Doofus tells me.

Obviously Doofus has a lot to learn… as long as Doofus remembers where to go.

WHILE DOOFUS DOZES

I would guess that most carpoolers meet at some designated location that is neutral and convenient to all parties involved. When I first started carpooling with Pat and Doofus, we were meeting at a church parking lot that was centrally located for each of us. However that was before Doofus decided to buy a second home. Not that Doofus could afford a second home, it’s just that Doofus was unable to sell the first home. (Great doofus decision in this economy wouldn’t you say?) But since the Doofus family was now living in the second home and the church parking lot was no longer convenient, Pat and I reluctantly agreed to meet in Doofus’ driveway.

This as you can imagine works quite nicely for Doofus. Roll out of bed, get ready for work, and walk out to the car as soon as Pat and I arrive. Of course, as it would be when one is carpooling with Doofus, it doesn’t work that nicely for Pat and me. We’ll arrive, get into either of our cars if we’re the ones driving that day, and then wait. And wait. And we end up waiting for Doofus in Doofus’ driveway. When we met at the church we had a 15 minute grace period. If 15 minutes went by and you weren’t there, the others were allowed to leave for work and you were on your own. When we started meeting at Doofus’ house, we had to change the rule to 10 minutes. Doofus was taking advantage of the 15 minute grace period and so we’d wait… and wait… and wait in Doofus’ driveway.

Pat and I will joke, as we wait for Doofus to come out of the house, “We should go! Let’s go and leave Doofus!”

We never have… until recently. Not long ago as we sat in Pat’s car waiting for Doofus, the 10 minutes were ticking away but oddly there was no sign of Doofus. No lights on in the house. The garage door was down. No dog running in the yard or barking from within the house. We sat in the car debating the nice thing to do... Should we honk? Should we call the house phone from our cell? And the thing we really wanted to do… leave before Doofus knew we were there.

I didn’t say anything to Pat but I wondered, “What if the whole family is dead from carbon monoxide poisoning?”

“Can’t do anything about it now,” I reasoned.

Finally ten minutes had passed and Pat said, “Raise your hand if we just leave.”

Both of our hands went flying up in the air and we tore out of the driveway before Doofus could jump in the backseat.

Two hours later Doofus came wandering into work. Doofus had overslept and I was relieved of any guilt for not having rescued the Doofus family from eminent death. Because of course, what would I do without my daily doses of Doofus to blog about?

DOOFUS WITH A DEADLY WEAPON

I mentioned previously that Doofus has two children, Huey and Dewey. Apparently the younger of the two, Dewey, spent part of the summer at a camp learning how to shoot and maintain firearms. Yes, I know what you’re thinking, “Who would put a firearm into the hands of a doofus?” Well as far as I know, all of Dewey’s fellow campers went home alive... as far as I know.

But now deer hunting season is about to begin and I overheard Doofus asking a couple of my deer hunting coworkers the specifics of taking a minor hunting. Doofus doesn’t hunt, but after Dewey spent the summer shooting at stationary, paper targets in a controlled setting, Dewey now wants to partake in the annual ritual of shooting at moving animals where bullets can stray off target. It seems that in an attempt to avoid any potential mishaps, Doofus was trying to gather information about what kind of gun Dewey should use and what kind of permits and classes Dewey is required to have.

Like I’ve said before, most of my coworkers are well aware that Doofus is a dimwit, a dork and just plain dumb. I however at this moment was giving Doofus some credit and thinking, “Thank goodness Doofus has the sense to ask these questions before heading out into the woods with a child and a loaded weapon.” However, Coworker Joe, who is not shy about expressing blatant disdain for Doofus, happened to be involved in the hunting discussion and thought differently than I did about Doofus’ firearm questions. This is the e-mail Coworker Joe sent to a select few individuals about his true feelings of Doofus in the woods with a gun.

“[Doofus] just told us that [Dewey] is going to start hunting this year and from the way [Doofus] was talking I don’t think they can figure out what end of the gun the bullet comes out so I am predicting a heavy upswing in accidental shootings come this hunting season. Due to this emergency news flash I will be converting my blind into a bomb shelter.”

NOT FAR FROM THE DOOFUS TREE

Doofus has two children, Huey and Dewey. Huey is of driving age and will sometimes drive to school when there’s a working vehicle (story for another time). Apparently Huey also participates in a carpool… kind of. Meaning, when Huey drives to school, Huey gives a ride to a classmate who lives on the way.

During our drive into work today, Doofus shared that they got a call this morning from Huey’s classmate Sam asking if Huey was still there. Apparently Huey forgot to stop and pick Sam up on the way into school.

Doofus quote of the day: “I don’t know how [Huey] could forget to pick up Sam.”

I know how.

BIRTH OF DOOFUS

When Pat, Doofus and I carpool, which is most every day of the work week, we have a routine where we pass by each other’s desks before going home to let the others know we’re either going to the car or heading to the front entrance to wait. This particular day had been Doofus’ day to drive. Doofus came by my desk and said, “I’m heading to the car.”

“Okay,” I said and proceeded to pack up my belongings. I walked by Pat’s desk to make sure Pat was aware Doofus and I were heading to the car to go home.

“Give me a minute, I’ll be right with you,” said Pat.

As I walked out the front door I stopped in befuddlement as I watched Doofus drive out of the company parking lot, onto the road and up to the stop sign to turn in the direction of home. I couldn’t figure out what was going on or where Doofus might be going without us. As I’m frozen with confusion, unable to wave or yell, Doofus suddenly puts the car in reverse and backs the car up the road and back into the parking lot.

“I was in such a hurry I forgot you guys rode with me today.”

What?! Forgot?! It had been less than 5 minutes earlier that Doofus had walked by my desk to tell me, “I’m heading to the car.”

I consider this the day that co-worker (name omitted to protect the dumb) became Doofus.

CAUSE TO BLOG

I’ve decided to start a blog. I’m not a reader of blogs (more than likely that will soon change) and I don’t really consider myself internet savvy enough to just “start blogging.” But here I am with a blog; and it’s really for selfish reasons that I’m now doing this. I carpool. I carpool to work with two other individuals to do my part for the environment and to ultimately save money in gas and the wear and tear on my car. Maybe just for the purposes of this blog (and to justify the daily pain I endure… as you’ll soon read about) I’ll start keeping track of how much money I’m actually saving by carpooling. One of the two individuals I carpool with is friendly, has a great sense of humor, and can make the daily commute of 20 minutes, two times a day quite enjoyable. We’ll call this fellow “prisoner” Pat. The other is… well… a doofus. We’ll call this individual… Doofus.

Our place of employment is small enough that most others who work there are fully aware of Doofus’ potential to be a dimwit, a dork and just downright dumb. Many have expressed the opinion “that the price of gas couldn’t go high enough” for them to carpool with Doofus or have expressed sympathy with “I don’t know how you do it.” So the selfishness I refer to with this blog is that I will no longer need to be e-mailing multiple friends with “guess what happened today” or find myself spending excessive amounts of time hanging around the water cooler telling co-workers of “today’s ride to work with Doofus”... and an added benefit is that you as a reader get your daily dose of doofus as well.