2:1 ODDS ON DOOFUS

You’ve probably caught onto the fact that Doofus has a tendency to forget things and as it has been demonstrated… people. There’s been many a time that Pat and I will be sitting in the car waiting for Doofus to join us and we watch in annoyance as Doofus comes strolling out the door, fumble through a few boxes in the garage, open up a car’s door or trunk or even start the task of putting toys and tools back where they belong. Now I’m all for tidiness, but doing it while we’re waiting to continue on our way to work is not the appropriate time to practice organizational skills. As can be expected, most of the fumbling has less to do with tidiness and more to do with Doofus having misplaced something.

One morning we thought we had made it out of the driveway without incident when as soon as we started down the road we had to turn around to go back and get Doofus’ eyeglasses. I can understand this happening when someone doesn’t need to wear eyeglasses all of the time. (Maybe just for reading or just for driving.) But unfortunately Doofus does wear them all the time and in this situation where Doofus wasn’t wearing eyeglasses, Doofus was the one driving.

But Pat and I have gotten so use to this routine that we now take bets and play the game “what will Doofus forget today”. We bet on whether the Franklin planner will be forgotten. I won 50-cents on this one. We bet on how many car doors, car trunks and boxes will be opened before getting into the car. We bet on whether another trip back into the house will be needed.

Recently Doofus came out of the house with a cup of coffee, got in the car, started to get settled and then of course remembered that something was left in the house. Doofus left the planner on the car seat but took the cup of coffee back into the house. We proceeded to place new bets on whether Doofus would forget and leave the cup of coffee in the house requiring a second return trip. Remarkably Doofus remembered the coffee… and I owe Pat a quarter.

DOOFUS DOES A "DUH"

Mondays are hard. It’s hard to get up early after two days of sleeping later than usual. It’s hard to get back in the groove of work. “Where did I leave off when I left work on Friday?” “What was I supposed to do today?” Try processing all of this when you’re a doofus.

One Monday morning I pulled into Doofus’ driveway and parked the car to wait for Pat and Doofus. It was my day to drive and within minutes Doofus and Pat were buckled in and we were heading down the road towards work. It was an uneventful morning. Doofus was on time and the conversation wasn’t particularly memorable. We got to work and less than ten minutes after sitting down in my office Doofus peeks in my cubicle and says, “Uh… hey. I forgot I had a training seminar today in Metropolis.”

I looked at Doofus dumbfounded not knowing what to say. I certainly wasn’t letting Doofus take my car 40 miles away to Metropolis for a seminar… even if it was only for the day.

Doofus sees the perplexed look on my face and says, “Lewey [the unfortunate person married to Doofus] is going to come and pick me up. I’ll take Lewey home and then go to the seminar.”

“What’s the training seminar for?” I ask.

“Managing Multiple Projects”, Doofus tells me.

Obviously Doofus has a lot to learn… as long as Doofus remembers where to go.

WHILE DOOFUS DOZES

I would guess that most carpoolers meet at some designated location that is neutral and convenient to all parties involved. When I first started carpooling with Pat and Doofus, we were meeting at a church parking lot that was centrally located for each of us. However that was before Doofus decided to buy a second home. Not that Doofus could afford a second home, it’s just that Doofus was unable to sell the first home. (Great doofus decision in this economy wouldn’t you say?) But since the Doofus family was now living in the second home and the church parking lot was no longer convenient, Pat and I reluctantly agreed to meet in Doofus’ driveway.

This as you can imagine works quite nicely for Doofus. Roll out of bed, get ready for work, and walk out to the car as soon as Pat and I arrive. Of course, as it would be when one is carpooling with Doofus, it doesn’t work that nicely for Pat and me. We’ll arrive, get into either of our cars if we’re the ones driving that day, and then wait. And wait. And we end up waiting for Doofus in Doofus’ driveway. When we met at the church we had a 15 minute grace period. If 15 minutes went by and you weren’t there, the others were allowed to leave for work and you were on your own. When we started meeting at Doofus’ house, we had to change the rule to 10 minutes. Doofus was taking advantage of the 15 minute grace period and so we’d wait… and wait… and wait in Doofus’ driveway.

Pat and I will joke, as we wait for Doofus to come out of the house, “We should go! Let’s go and leave Doofus!”

We never have… until recently. Not long ago as we sat in Pat’s car waiting for Doofus, the 10 minutes were ticking away but oddly there was no sign of Doofus. No lights on in the house. The garage door was down. No dog running in the yard or barking from within the house. We sat in the car debating the nice thing to do... Should we honk? Should we call the house phone from our cell? And the thing we really wanted to do… leave before Doofus knew we were there.

I didn’t say anything to Pat but I wondered, “What if the whole family is dead from carbon monoxide poisoning?”

“Can’t do anything about it now,” I reasoned.

Finally ten minutes had passed and Pat said, “Raise your hand if we just leave.”

Both of our hands went flying up in the air and we tore out of the driveway before Doofus could jump in the backseat.

Two hours later Doofus came wandering into work. Doofus had overslept and I was relieved of any guilt for not having rescued the Doofus family from eminent death. Because of course, what would I do without my daily doses of Doofus to blog about?